Spiritual disciplines

I've been wondering for quite some time how much spiritual disciplines one should undertake. I've been in churches where people were generally encouraged to read their Bibles, pray and go to church. Also expected of course was to abstain from activities that are considered contrary to God's will (murder, theft, premarital/extramarital sex, etc.).

I've also been in churches with rigorous fasting schedules and strict rules. The clergy took a very strong role in each person's life, often hearing confessions, telling people whether they had his blessing to do or not do certain things and so forth (and it wasn't a Roman Catholic church). I guess you could say I've done a lot of church hopping and church shopping, which can be bad. I think a person can get a lot of conflicting ideas and theologies in his head and become very confused.

These days I'm hoping to find a good church for my wife, my son and myself. I don't really want a church where people show up on Sundays and think that's it and that anything more than that is trying to buy your salvation. On the other hand, I don't want to be handed a list of foods that I shouldn't eat on certain days and be told when I can and cannot do certain otherwise acceptable activities. I believe that part of being a Christian is doing things to put us in line with God's will and that doing those things is often unpleasant. Our fallen natures are bent toward doing the will of the flesh, so spiritual discipline seems important.

Self-denial sounds like something we should practice, but how? How much is too much? What is acceptable and what is not? How much of a role in determining the answers to these questions should others have in a person's life? To what extent should we have a spiritual guide or father/mother/"discipler"? These are all questions I've picked up from too much church hopping I think. I wish I knew.